Desperation

Chapter 4 – Desperation

Ok so here’s what comes on the way to and after you’ve hit your (my) personal bottom. You see no reasonable way to extricate yourself from the situation you find yourself in. Truthfully there is nothing so bad that it will not pass. Unfortunately it is too easy to fall into the homeless mindset. The lying, cheating, stealing, drugs, alcohol and all the other things that will not only bring you down further but all of which will keep you down. Sure, when you get desperate you will do things that you would not normally do and truthfully, I have. The phrase “been there, done that” applies here. When desperation kicks in your mind just starts spinning and the problems, real or imagined, start to seem like they are piling up.

About the only solution is to calm down and work through each and every problem. Take a deep breath, relax, talk to a trusted friend whatever it takes to prevent the desperation from taking control.

Unfortunately most of us allow the desperation to take control. I hid behind drugs and alcohol as do many of the others out here on the street. Whatever we do it’s probably not going to work towards avoiding the desperation that always happens. Nor is it going to get us out of whatever problems we’ve gotten ourselves into.

Hitting Bottom

Chapter 3 – Hitting Bottom

Now don’t get me wrong. The people who help the homeless by providing food, shelter, clothing and other necessities are helping. They do so for all sorts of reasons. I personally say thank you to all the people who help me. But there is a down side to all this help. When a homeless person starts getting their needs met then they don’t have to worry about anything especially the REAL problems. Remember what I said in an earlier chapter about how we were homeless by choice to avoid dealing with our problems?

There is a fine line between helping in a constructive way and perpetuating the problem. Many of the case managers understand this. Unfortunately their tools and resources are limited when it comes to attacking the real problems. Other people come along with a desire to help who just help the homeless person put off their problems for another day.

Remember this, I am homeless too and while it hurt me inside, I still would do whatever it took to delay confronting my own problems. This is where talking to the homeless person you wish to help comes in. Getting to know them, asking questions and paying attention to what they say over time will give you an idea of who out there is really working to get themselves off the street or just doing whatever it takes to get what you have to offer. Just keep in mind that there will be some homeless people that for whatever reason just do not wish to talk.

For me it took several years living as a homeless person to actually hit my own personal bottom. Sure there were several times I thought I had gotten myself off the street by getting a job and a place to live. Each time I blew it and went right back to the street. I was still not dealing with my own personal issues and with each failure I would fall deeper into my own self-generated pit of despair.

The truth is that before anyone who is homeless or an addict or depressed or whatever can fix themselves they must first hit bottom. Sometimes for some people it does not seem to take much to reach that point and with some, they may never reach their personal bottom and just continue with whatever lifestyle they have chosen.

There are times when counseling can prevent the trauma of hitting your personal bottom and get you started on the road of recovery. In my case I just knew that I could do it myself and with a loud thud hit bottom. There are some out here who will hit their personal bottom and sit there. Going nowhere, doing nothing, taking what they need. They seem to have given up. The homeless mindset has kicked in and they see no way out.  

The Homeless Mindset

Chapter 2 – The Homeless Mindset

Much like the alcoholic or drug addict will use their drug of choice to avoid their problems, the homeless person will use their homelessness much the same way, to avoid facing the REAL problems that we have created for ourselves. That’s what I was doing.

The mindset of the homeless person goes something like this. First there are no decisions to be made or responsibilities beyond the day to day. Free food for the most part, free housing, free medical. What more could one ask for. We use our disabilities both real and imagined as a crutch to gain the sympathy of those who are better off than we are or those who have more stuff. If not that then we just take what we want or a combination of both using and taking.

It’s not much different than being an addict. Even the functional addict like me would play on the sympathy of others to overlook my own failures or at the very most I would turn things around in my own mind and convince myself that I was not at fault but someone else was. That’s what we do.

We learn to work the system. Not all of us but enough to clog up the system in order to get what we want. We learn how to lie, to exaggerate, to do whatever it takes. Most times money is the main goal because most of us do have an addiction to take care of. But if it’s something else like a special service or a free ride then that’s what we do.

There are many homeless people out there whom I call professional homeless. They have been out there long enough to  know how to work the system by whatever means. Some of them will just try to talk you to death until you give them what they want just to make them go away. Others will work with an imagined or minor disability. Some have no shame at all and will even push someone out of a line just to get what they want.

We learn how to play up to others sympathies. Here is where the various groups who help the homeless get taken advantage of.  The homeless people know who is new and who is not when it comes to the people who are trying to help or give out things. That poor person will be the target for whatever the homeless person can get.

Then there’s minimum work for maximum pleasure. Job opportunities are few and far between but there is no lack of people who find the means to get the money they need for their pleasures. Just for fun sometime go to one of the places that feed the homeless on a regular basis. On the 1^st of every month there will be large and noticeable lack of attendance. Why is that? Well those people and a few who hang with them will be off spending their monthly SSI or disability checks. The local motels will be full, the corner store sells a lot of beer and the drug dealers are busy. The question here is, if they get this monthly check, why are they still homeless? One reason is that they did whatever it took to start receiving the check every month to continue their chosen lifestyle.

We become pretty good liars too. Some of the stories I hear from them can change on a daily basis.

All to get what we want and to avoid having to face our own realities. Just like the addict. Most of the homeless people I personally know are addicts in one way or another and are using the substance of their choice as a way to avoid the REAL problem. That substance of choice does not have to be drugs or alcohol but usually is. Just so long as we can avoid our problems.

How did we become homeless

Homeless Series

Chapter 1 -How did we become homeless?

I will make a simple statement here. We as homeless people are not going to be easily fixed. Most people will tell you that providing food and shelter will fix homelessness. That’s wrong. There’s more to it than that. Here is a list of reasons for my being homeless. Not all of the reasons.  I’m not sure I know what they all are.

1.              Substance Abuse

a.       Alcohol                

b.      Drugs

2.             Which lead to Legal Issues

3.             Then the financial problems

4.             Along with many bad choices

5.             Divorce

6.             Running away

Some other reasons for someone to become homeless are medical or mental issues, family issues, lost jobs, and the list goes on. Homelessness is just our way of answering to another problem or problems. If we can fix our REAL problems then we can fix our homeless problem.

Homeless Series

Prologue to the series.

Most people view homelessness as simply a lack of housing and resources. This is true but it is not the whole story. Behind what people see on the surface there is much more going on. Here’s something interesting to consider, most if not all homeless people choose to be homeless.

In this series of posts I will be putting up on the blog and the web site, I will talk about what homelessness really is, what the homeless mindset is, what happens out there on the street and several other aspects of homelessness.

I won’t bore you with what the experts think because most of them are wrong. They for the most part don’t have a clue about what homelessness really is let alone how to fix it.

We will start this series of postings with Chapter 1 or How did we become homeless and will follow it periodically with other chapters  about the homeless mindset, working the system and the emotional toll being homeless takes on a person.

Controling Desperation

There is nothing so bad that it will not pass. If there is one thing the world teaches it is that all things change. If you cannot think of what to do, if you believe that all hope has gone, if you are tired of trying, then pause. Breathe deeply. Do you have any money at all? If you do, spend it on a good meal, even if you are spending every dime. Get a good meal, and sit in a warm place eating it, with friendly people serving it. Eat and enjoy, and think about good things. Think about your favorite color, your best friend when you were in grade school, how flannel feels when you rub it between your fingers. Think about those gold coin chocolates that always made you feel rich even though the chocolate was waxy and tasted like tin. When you were a kid, you had a knack for feeling rich when you had next to nothing.

There is nothing so painful as desperation. Nothing so counterproductive. Now that you are feeling good again, nothing has changed, except you. You are different. Now you can think. Where will you sleep tonight? What will you do tomorrow? Don't focus on what you can't do or haven't got. You have a lot of resources, if only you will recognize them. Try to identify your most pressing problems individually, and find a straight line to a solution. You need a warm place out of the rain? How about a hotel lobby, or a hospital waiting room, or a laundromat, or a bus station, or a fast food restaurant? You need to clean up? That's easy. You need some food? You can fill your belly on less than a dollar's worth of rice. My point is that to begin surviving, you need to change your head. Abandon anger, desperation, depression, melancholy. Embrace confidence, strength, abilities, resources. Be positive, by all means.

The Heat

It's hot here in Ft Worth and will probably stay this way for a few more months. This is the time of year when all of us out here on the street look for some place cooler during the heat of the day. Of course it doesn't get much more comfortable even at night when the temperature seldom gets below 80 degrees.

Many of the folks out here can be found in several places during the day. There will be some who like me will spend time at one of the libraries. Most of them can be found at the main branch downtown but I prefer the smaller and quieter branch library that is near my camp.

Other people will go to places like the Salvation Army who runs a cooling center during the hot periods. Other places to go are various shopping malls although security will watch you. The "T" buses are also a good option. If you have the money to buy a day pass you can ride on any bus anywhere around town all day. I actually have done this many times and it's a good way to see different parts of the city. Of course there is always the Day Resource Center on Lancaster Ave but that place has limited space and is always full. Some of the homeless folks even hang out in the public areas of one of the hospitals. I've done this too from time to time. Even if you are not riding a bus the lobby of the Intermodal Transportation Center is another possibility.

Even with those places I've mentioned there are many homeless who cannot or will not go indoors. For those people a shady spot is the best they have. Of course a lot of water is necessary when you spend any kind of time outdoors. When I'm at camp and I start getting too hot I have a nice cool creek to sit in. Not so for many others. If I'm moving around or going somewhere in particular I always carry water with me but I see many people who for what ever reason never seem to have water with them. I don't know how they do it. Fortunately I have been stopped by different people who have offered me a cold bottle of water several times whether I'm walking or riding my bike. Every time this happens I consider it another blessing.

Whether the homeless can get into a cool place during the heat of the day can be somewhat problematic. First off they have to get there. Of course many never travel far from some of the cooling centers. But even so there is limited space available at many of those centers and they must limit the number of people. Then there are the public places like stores and malls where the homeless have to deal with security or just rude and inconsiderate people. Even the library, especially the main branch downtown can present problems.

As you can see, homeless people do have some options for avoiding the heat. Mostly they can't and endure as best they can. There are people out there who carry bottled water just so they can help the homeless during these times. For those people and the organizations who set up cooling centers as well as the public places who tolerate the homeless I can only say thank you.

Where does the money come from?

For the homeless person the opportunity to earn some cash comes only to those who are willing to go after it. There are several limited opportunities out there. Most homeless folks though just take advantage of what ever comes up that does not require any effort. A few of us will try to do something.

Personally I have tried quite a few of the limited opportunities that are available. Because of my age and physical condition I just was not able to stick with some of those opportunities. Here are a few of the things that I used to do for a little cash.
1. Walk paper. You know, those advertisements or menus that show up stuck in your front door.
2. Temporary laborer.
3. Fill in for a vacationing cook at a local soup kitchen.
4. Odd jobs for friends
There a several others that just don't come to mind right now but you should get the picture. My issues with doing most of this sort of work are because of my age and my ability to work in the outdoors or in the heat. I just can't do it anymore. About the only thing left available to me to earn a little cash is collecting aluminum cans for which I average less than $10.00 a week and the occasional odd job.

Many if not most of the homeless people that I know who do any kind of work will generally use what they earn for beer and drugs. That is the truth. There are a few, not many but a few, people who will do something a bit more constructive with whatever they earn. I was once like the majority of them. I could not keep whatever I earned in my pocket any longer than it took me to get to the corner store. Today however I guess I have finally grown up and what ever cash I earn along the way goes towards necessary supplies that I cannot get though any other sources. I had to work a real budget and learn how to not only pinch pennies but to make them squeal. 

I've got a couple of things that I'm saving for that are just not priority items in the grand scheme of things. I'm working on getting minutes placed back on my pre-paid cell phone, gasoline for the stove and enough cash to spend the day at the laundromat cleaning everything! I'll make these goals one day but for now things like food have to take priority.

Let's Talk Blessings

Several things have happened over the last week or so that can only be considered blessings. While I feel that everyday and everything in it's own way is a blessing, some blessings just stand out.

What, do you ask, am I talking about? Well for those of you who have looked at the Homeless in Ft Worth web site have probably read about how I was using equipment that had issues. The laptop I was using was over 10 years old and needed to be treated with care. The camera was probably 6 or 7 years old and needed the same. Not to mention me, but I won't go there this time.

Last week I was blessed with a newer Kodak camera that is light years better than the old one along with a couple of extra memory cards. But the big Blessing was when someone gave me a laptop that was about 3 years old but not working. Well for those of you who know me that's just the sort of challenge I can work with. So after several hours of work I now have a fully functional Dell laptop. Other than the battery being bad I managed to make the repairs without too much difficulty.

Now some of you are probably asking how do I use a computer without a working battery in a camp. Well here's another blessing. I've had for several years a large solar panel that I had picked up at a flea market. Recently another friend of mine came across 2 batteries that would work perfectly in conjunction with the solar panel. So after a fashion I have electricity in my camp. I have battery operated lights, radio and computer equipment that all have been adapted to work off the solar panel and battery system.

Without the help of many people that I've met along this journey that I am on, I never would have received any of those blessings nor the blessings of the other supplies I have received from the people whom I am proud to call my friends.

Food Bank Day

Today was a food bank day. It's kind of like going to a pot luck dinner. You never know what you may get. For those who are curious some of the more interesting items I've received from one of the food banks were things like a whole case of fresh blue berries or a gallon jar of pickled hot peppers. Generally all of the food banks I visit allow you to receive food only once a month although there is one which has a two week cycle.

Because of the distances involved I only go to 4 different food banks. The closest one is about 2 miles away and the furthest one I try to get to is closer to 4 miles away from where my camp is. That's about my limit when I have to walk with a full backpack and a tote sack in this heat. I would use the bicycle but things hanging off the handle bars just does not work very well.

 The types of food you receive varies somewhat from food bank to food bank but for the most part you will receive enough food to last about 2 days. Today for example I received 1 pound of chicken thighs, 1 pound of pork chops, a whole case of blue berries, several melons, spaghetti pasta, and bread. Other times I have received no meats at all but plenty of fresh vegetables, potatoes, rice and beans. As you may well imagine, I have to get creative when I cook. The things you very seldom if ever receive from any of the food banks are things such as salt, pepper, sugar, spices, cooking oil, canned meats or fish, and many other things.

With all that said, I am very thankful for the various food banks in the area. I may have to get creative with my cooking style but I generally make something work even if it means doing without certain ingredients. As a final note, I have to say that of all the homeless people I know of who live in a camp where they can cook for themselves I only know of one other person who cooks on a regular basis. Most of the others eat elsewhere such as the Beautiful Feet or the Salvation Army etc.

A Moving Day for Some

Over on my website (http://sites.google.com/site/homelessinftworth) I spoke of some people who were camped out and whom the city was making move elsewhere.

What really happened was that a small group of campers at the rear of Glenwood Park were having an argument that caused the police and reportedly, later the fire department to put out a small fire. The city policy is to eliminate all camps when they are discovered so basically all the people in that patch of woods had to move. Because of the mistakes or foolishness of a couple at least 12 other people spread out in 5 or 6 other campsites had to move out. They were given a week to move before the city code enforcement crews came in to clean up. Some of whom it turns out have moved near my camp but not the original trouble makers. Lucky for me they are all people I know and can talk to. 

I did establish some simple rules though. For example, I will not tolerate any of the foolishness that caused them to have to move out of their old camps. Nor will I tolerate excess traffic or visitors into the area. Lastly I will not tolerate people acting foolish behind alcohol or drugs. I realize that I may sound pretty strict and truthfully I am not that strict. I have though been camped where I am for several years and do not wish someone else to ruin things. While I do know the 5 people in the 3 new campsites, all of them are capable of creating problems if I don't say something to all of them first and establish some basic ground rules.

As it turns out I did know all 15 or so people who were living at the back of the park. Of those people a few are honorable people, almost all of them have problems with alcohol or drugs to a greater or lessor degree, 3 people are convicted felons, 5 of the 15 have arrest warrants out for various things like unpaid fines, theft or assault. Fortunately the really tough ones did not show up near my patch of woods and I probably would not have allowed them there if they tried. The people that did move in had all talked to me first as a common courtesy.

I understand the city's side of all this and I understand the problems the city has with the homeless people who are camped out. I've even discussed these problems with the police who periodically stop by to check up on me or may be looking for someone. I really do understand.

The unfortunate part of all this is that while we unsheltered homeless people have made a decision to camp out instead of stay in a shelter we must suffer the consequences for the mistakes of a few. It was only a matter of time before those people at the back side of the park were contacted by the city and forced to move. Things were getting pretty out of control back there.