Creative meals

For some reason all the food banks have been pretty short on the donations this past month. Even between the three of us there will have to be some creative cooking to make it through the week. But for 2 or 3 days we will be doing OK.

Ben and Cindy, who have just arrived from San Francisco, don't care for the Texas heat. Even though they are both from Ft Worth, they have been away long enough that they miss California. At least the camp is shady all day and the creek is nearby to cool off in. Today though we are hanging out at the library keeping cool.

Benny and Cindy have been away from Texas for a couple of years so they want to go to "tramp day" on Lancaster Ave. Saturday to see some of their old friends. Most of the activity centers around Unity Park but there are a few other places nearby where different churches and other groups set up to give out meals, clothes and hygiene kits to the homeless people who show up. I don't normally go out there on Saturday mornings. In fact I have not gone in over a year. It's just too much of an effort dealing with the crowd sometimes.

Truthfully, I don't go out to Lancaster Ave. near the shelters much at all. Many times it's just too depressing out there and I don't really have any reason to be there. There are too many people I don't need to see anymore, too many temptations and just no good reason to be there.

Chapter 6 – Dealing with it

Many but not all homeless people out here go through the desperation phase. In fact most of the people you see in camps and around the shelters don’t. This is the way they live. The lying, cheating, stealing, alcohol, drugs and other criminal activity are simple the norm for them. For the bulk of them it’s all about the free ride. They can be given every opportunity to move up into a better situation and they will take it and ultimately turn it into something it is not. For example one person I know was placed into housing. He received an SSI check every month that he used to use mostly on alcohol. When he received housing he had to pay a nominal amount each month toward the rent and utilities while the balance was subsidized by HUD. While he may have moved out of the shelters or a camp he still kept on in his old ways and ultimately did not change anything except where he lived.

That sort of thing is typical and while most people do not have the opportunity to move out of their situation many do fail.

A few of us are working toward something better and don’t want to fall into the trap of just changing the scenery but not the situation. A few of us do work on our problems and because of the difficulty in seeing the difference between those of us who are working to fix ourselves and those who are just good actors, we tend to get lost in the shuffle.

Basically what I am trying to show is that the bulk of folks out on the street are not dealing with their real problems and are using the help and resources without showing any benefit. The few of us who really do need some of the same help and resources are lost in the crowd.

These last few years for me have shown me what’s really going on out there. I have been working on my own personal issues. I’ve made amends to many people I have wronged. I’ve change my lifestyle so that my old addictions are no longer in control. I do wish to get out of my camp and into an apartment. I do wish to go back doing some sort of meaningful work. It is a daily struggle to not fall back into the old ways because what I see around me with those who just take and take. It’s a struggle not to be like them again.

Desperation - part 2

Chapter 5 – Desperation part 2

Lets talk a little more about desperation. Some other names for it are despair, hopelessness, despondency, fear, worry and several others. All of which are unpleasant to say the least. Once again I will say “been there done that” and my situation is no different than many others out here on the street. The details are different and the way we / I handle desperation differs as well. I, as did many others, hid behind alcohol and drugs then by running away from all that we had. Other people just ran away. More still just accepted their position and addictions.

For most of us out here the easy way is the way we deal with the desperation. We don’t necessarily think about it we just look for the easy path to ignore whatever we are feeling. Alcohol and drugs are just a temporary solution that only brings back the problems at a later time. Many of the so called professional homeless have accepted the situation and don’t do anything about those feelings. In fact we will just ignore them and self-medicate as often as we can. We just maintain a level of comfort that will allow us to function as a homeless person. The lying, stealing and other symptoms are just to help us get what we want.

With some the desperation is not so obvious, maybe it’s the way we were raised, maybe their addictions keep the despair covered up. No matter who we are the problems are real and for most of us out here on the street seem insurmountable.

The Heat

Today was supposed to be a food bank day. It's just going to be too hot to even try this week. The food bank I would normally go to this week is just too far away so I will have to get creative with meals until next week.

With all that said, being on the street in this kind of heat can be a real challenge for most homeless folks.The shelters will be full of people staying in out of the heat as will the Day Resource Center. The various branches of the library will see some of the homeless show up too But not all the homeless people can or will go where it is cool and at some point even the people who are indoors will have to return back outside for a time.

Take me for example. Right now as I write this I am sitting in a branch library where it is comfortable but I will have to leave here when they close which will be at 6:00pm. It's a guarantee that the temperature then will still be in the 100's and I will have a 2 or 3 mile bike ride to camp. My only saving grace at camp is that I have a clean stream running nearby to cool off in. Even so, the temperature at camp will not cool off enough to sleep until sometime after midnight.

Yesterday I went through about a gallon of drinking water ( no not creek water ). I have to haul drinking water from a clean source about 1/2 mile away and at 7+ pounds per gallon you can imagine that I do not haul much water at any one time. Water is extremely important as you may imagine and keeping plenty on hand is a real chore.

About the only options in this kind of heat that people like me have are to find a cool spot, a shady spot if we are outdoors, plenty of water and lots of patience. Which brings to mind another problem when the heat gets like this. Peoples tempers get short. Many times behind alcohol but just the heat alone without alcohol can cause real issues among all of us who must be outdoors. There will be arguments and sometimes even fights. It will not be pretty.

Somehow many of us make it through the heat. Some will not do very well. There will be heat related physical problems. There will heat related anger issues. There will even be several people who will drink a few beers with unpleasant results. It's not fun but that's the way it is.

Desperation

Chapter 4 – Desperation

Ok so here’s what comes on the way to and after you’ve hit your (my) personal bottom. You see no reasonable way to extricate yourself from the situation you find yourself in. Truthfully there is nothing so bad that it will not pass. Unfortunately it is too easy to fall into the homeless mindset. The lying, cheating, stealing, drugs, alcohol and all the other things that will not only bring you down further but all of which will keep you down. Sure, when you get desperate you will do things that you would not normally do and truthfully, I have. The phrase “been there, done that” applies here. When desperation kicks in your mind just starts spinning and the problems, real or imagined, start to seem like they are piling up.

About the only solution is to calm down and work through each and every problem. Take a deep breath, relax, talk to a trusted friend whatever it takes to prevent the desperation from taking control.

Unfortunately most of us allow the desperation to take control. I hid behind drugs and alcohol as do many of the others out here on the street. Whatever we do it’s probably not going to work towards avoiding the desperation that always happens. Nor is it going to get us out of whatever problems we’ve gotten ourselves into.

Hitting Bottom

Chapter 3 – Hitting Bottom

Now don’t get me wrong. The people who help the homeless by providing food, shelter, clothing and other necessities are helping. They do so for all sorts of reasons. I personally say thank you to all the people who help me. But there is a down side to all this help. When a homeless person starts getting their needs met then they don’t have to worry about anything especially the REAL problems. Remember what I said in an earlier chapter about how we were homeless by choice to avoid dealing with our problems?

There is a fine line between helping in a constructive way and perpetuating the problem. Many of the case managers understand this. Unfortunately their tools and resources are limited when it comes to attacking the real problems. Other people come along with a desire to help who just help the homeless person put off their problems for another day.

Remember this, I am homeless too and while it hurt me inside, I still would do whatever it took to delay confronting my own problems. This is where talking to the homeless person you wish to help comes in. Getting to know them, asking questions and paying attention to what they say over time will give you an idea of who out there is really working to get themselves off the street or just doing whatever it takes to get what you have to offer. Just keep in mind that there will be some homeless people that for whatever reason just do not wish to talk.

For me it took several years living as a homeless person to actually hit my own personal bottom. Sure there were several times I thought I had gotten myself off the street by getting a job and a place to live. Each time I blew it and went right back to the street. I was still not dealing with my own personal issues and with each failure I would fall deeper into my own self-generated pit of despair.

The truth is that before anyone who is homeless or an addict or depressed or whatever can fix themselves they must first hit bottom. Sometimes for some people it does not seem to take much to reach that point and with some, they may never reach their personal bottom and just continue with whatever lifestyle they have chosen.

There are times when counseling can prevent the trauma of hitting your personal bottom and get you started on the road of recovery. In my case I just knew that I could do it myself and with a loud thud hit bottom. There are some out here who will hit their personal bottom and sit there. Going nowhere, doing nothing, taking what they need. They seem to have given up. The homeless mindset has kicked in and they see no way out.  

The Homeless Mindset

Chapter 2 – The Homeless Mindset

Much like the alcoholic or drug addict will use their drug of choice to avoid their problems, the homeless person will use their homelessness much the same way, to avoid facing the REAL problems that we have created for ourselves. That’s what I was doing.

The mindset of the homeless person goes something like this. First there are no decisions to be made or responsibilities beyond the day to day. Free food for the most part, free housing, free medical. What more could one ask for. We use our disabilities both real and imagined as a crutch to gain the sympathy of those who are better off than we are or those who have more stuff. If not that then we just take what we want or a combination of both using and taking.

It’s not much different than being an addict. Even the functional addict like me would play on the sympathy of others to overlook my own failures or at the very most I would turn things around in my own mind and convince myself that I was not at fault but someone else was. That’s what we do.

We learn to work the system. Not all of us but enough to clog up the system in order to get what we want. We learn how to lie, to exaggerate, to do whatever it takes. Most times money is the main goal because most of us do have an addiction to take care of. But if it’s something else like a special service or a free ride then that’s what we do.

There are many homeless people out there whom I call professional homeless. They have been out there long enough to  know how to work the system by whatever means. Some of them will just try to talk you to death until you give them what they want just to make them go away. Others will work with an imagined or minor disability. Some have no shame at all and will even push someone out of a line just to get what they want.

We learn how to play up to others sympathies. Here is where the various groups who help the homeless get taken advantage of.  The homeless people know who is new and who is not when it comes to the people who are trying to help or give out things. That poor person will be the target for whatever the homeless person can get.

Then there’s minimum work for maximum pleasure. Job opportunities are few and far between but there is no lack of people who find the means to get the money they need for their pleasures. Just for fun sometime go to one of the places that feed the homeless on a regular basis. On the 1^st of every month there will be large and noticeable lack of attendance. Why is that? Well those people and a few who hang with them will be off spending their monthly SSI or disability checks. The local motels will be full, the corner store sells a lot of beer and the drug dealers are busy. The question here is, if they get this monthly check, why are they still homeless? One reason is that they did whatever it took to start receiving the check every month to continue their chosen lifestyle.

We become pretty good liars too. Some of the stories I hear from them can change on a daily basis.

All to get what we want and to avoid having to face our own realities. Just like the addict. Most of the homeless people I personally know are addicts in one way or another and are using the substance of their choice as a way to avoid the REAL problem. That substance of choice does not have to be drugs or alcohol but usually is. Just so long as we can avoid our problems.