My Story parts 4 & 5

My story

 

Part 4, the middle years

 

These middle years of my homelessness basically stretch from 2004 to 2009. My addictions were in full control. I had gotten and lost 2 full time jobs. I had been through a 4 month session in rehab to no avail. I had gotten arrested for drug possession and gone to jail even.

In the end though I began to see the light. To make a beginning in picking myself up. But old habits die hard. For all those many years I was an extremely sad, introverted, depressed addict. It was not enough to just get a handle on my addictions but at the same time I had to deal with my own personal problems that I was using drugs and alcohol to forget. To bury those problems so deeply that I wouldn’t have to deal with them. If I couldn’t deal with all my problems simultaneously, the addictions, the depression, the mistakes I’d made, my lack of dealing with people and all the problems I’d created for myself, then I would just go back to my addictions eventually. I know this because I’d tried to quit alcohol and drugs many times. I’d been through rehab many times and failed each time because I wasn’t ready to follow through and deal with my other issues.

I have 61 years of stuff to work through. 61 years of failures and successes. I’m not particularly proud of many of the things I’ve done in those middle years of my homelessness. On the other hand I’m not too proud anymore to hide them within myself and not speak of those things to others. Even that took me many years to figure out.

Of the several positive things that did occur during those middle years the one thing that sticks out is my newly re-found sense of Christianity. In this I met two Christian men early on and who are my friends to this day. They stuck with me through it all. The good and the bad. They didn’t give up on me. Even so I was the one who had to do all the heavy lifting.

My life was a complete mess. I couldn’t get away from my addictions. I kept on making bad decisions. In the end I had two choices. I could either continue as I was and continue to fail myself, my family and my few friends or I could work through all my problems, grow up and cure myself, which in the end we all have to do. Some of us do so at an earlier point in their lives and some don’t at all.

Now to recap those middle years. I was and out of control addict who had lost 2 jobs, spent most of my income on alcohol and drugs. I tried another round of rehab before returning eventually back to my addictions. I got arrested and sent to jail. Was given probation and community service to perform. Violated my probation and was returned to jail. There’s a whole story in the drug bust / jail time / probation alone. I then decided to start fixing me.

 

Part 5, These last few years

 

So far I’ve mostly talked about how out of control I was. In there, but buried down deep under the addictions was the depression, guilt and shame I felt even though I wasn’t willing to do anything about them.

The two men I spoke of earlier invited me to join them in their Christian mens group meetings every week and are still part of my life. My time on probation required me to do 120 hours of community service which I completed in about a month and a half at the Beautiful Feet Ministries. I began cooking lunches there everyday for the homeless people who showed up. I even stayed on as a volunteer before going back to jail on a probation violation which was completely my fault. The long and the short of it was I participated fully at the Beautiful Feet and was considered part of the staff.

With the men’s group and participating in the Christian activities at the Beautiful Feet I started getting some of the tools I would need to help myself.

After finishing all my jail time I returned to the Beautiful Feet as a volunteer but with a different outlook on many things. One of the biggest of my personal problems was my introverted nature. Rather than deal with people I avoided them and when I really had to deal with anyone it was a serious struggle. Needless to say, because it was easier to ignore a problem, ignore a need, avoid people or even not asking for help because of my introverted nature this had to become a priority.

From here I could go on about things that I did or happened over these last 3 or 4 years. Truthfully I can’t explain properly all the changes I’ve made in myself and the way I now live. I could talk about all the time I’ve put in doing volunteer work helping other homeless people. I could talk about all the different Christian activities I’ve been involved with or my growing faith.

What I am certain of is that I now have more friends, real friends than I’ve ever had before. My daily life is a busy one doing whatever needs doing. How I live is miles ahead of the way I once lived. I’ve been blessed with my health, good friends and a comfortable home (yes I call my camp a home). I go to food banks every week for supplies, I pick up aluminum cans for a few extra dollars. I do a weekly bible study and church every Sunday. I do my volunteer work and mostly I’m enjoying my lifestyle such as it is. That’s not to say I’m going to stop looking to improve my lifestyle or myself. I still wish to find a job and move out of this camp. Some of my friends have even said that this may be my year to do so. I pray it is. But if not I have a plan for that too.

 

As this blog progresses I will continue to talk about some of the details of the things I've done, but for now understand my life is still a work in progress.