Large Problems

 

Our lives are full of problems. Decisions have to be made all the time. This is something everyone has in common. The homeless community is no stranger to problems either. Some of their problems are no different than anyone else’s. Then there are the problems that while not strictly unique to the homeless community are in fact difficult to resolve. Some of the more prevalent problems commonly seen amongst the homeless are, to most, easily solved in theory but in practice are, at least to the homeless person, seemingly impossible.

Being a homeless person is an extremely depressing experience. When people profile you they automatically assume certain things. Such as we don’t wish to work, want to take the easy way, drink or do drugs and all sorts of other things associated with the homeless lifestyle. For some that might be an accurate assessment.

 For other homeless people there are mental health issues or maybe physical issues. Issues over which they have no control and deal with as best they can.

Then there is the homeless person who has been there done that and is ready to get his or her life back on track. He or she is ready to get back to living a useful life again. We’ve made a commitment to ourselves to do what we have to do to get there. The problem is that there are all those others out there who are not really ready to leave their homeless mindset behind but instead are looking for another kind of free ride. They are the ones who clog the system with their needs, demands and in general waste resources that those who are actively trying to make the next step could really use.

Now don’t get me wrong, it is important that all homeless people receive whatever help they need to pick themselves up again. Identifying the ones who are really serious from those who are just looking for that free ride is important too. Ask any case manager. It’s a waste to place someone into free or subsidized housing if they don’t wish to leave behind their substance issues for example. Or to attempt to retrain a person for a career when all they wish to do is become a professional student with no real career goal in mind.

Think about this if you would. Imagine the problems that we face. Ok I’ll come right out and say it. I face. Every day there is a problem. Some problems are routine but many are not. On a daily basis I have to face up to my issues and make the best of a bad situation. I also have to compete with other homeless people who I know are just taking advantage of an already overburdened system. The real problem is how do I get out of here? It’s complicated and extremely difficult. There is no one size fits all solution to my problems and whatever the solution is or will be has yet to be seen.

I'll get there but it isn't going to be easy.

Got A Spare Laptop?

Well here I am having serious hardware issues with my 7 year old Dell laptop. Truthfully it is failing and I cannot repair it this time. I got this laptop 2 years ago from a friend who had put it in a closet because it had failed on him. I managed after several hours (try 6 hours) of work to get it running again. For the last couple of years I’ve managed to keep it running but now that is not going to be the case.

A laptop has become an integral part of my running the blog, writing for “The Journey”, staying in touch with people and even making a few dollars from time to time. Using public computers at the library may sound like a viable alternative, it really is not. The primary problem is that you can only use them 1 hour per session or per day and most times it takes me more time than that to write even the simplest blog postings. Even now I have spent almost 45 minutes just writing what you have read so far.

For now I will use the public computers at the library out of the desire to keep this blog alive, to write for “The Journey” the street paper I do a column for and to stay in touch with all of you through email.

My request to you is, does anyone have a spare laptop stashed away that you are not using and would like to donate to a worthy cause? It does not even have to be working because, who knows, I may be able to repair it too. I’m not worried about software or operating systems, I have that covered. Take note Apple users I can deal with those machines as well. I am willing to barter or trade if necessary but I do not have much except my time and expertise.

Please contact me if you can help or know how I may acquire another laptop. New, used, broken or not. I’m open to all suggestions. Send me an email to: gkirksr@hotmail.com.

Thank you for your help and God Bless.

Son Teaches Father

"What I remember is an extremely smart, introverted man that has always had the ability to achieve whatever he wanted, but chose the wrong path. I hope and pray for the day you can get it all together and make it back to where you once were. I am still proud that you are my dad. Just not proud of who you became. It's easy for you to talk about all the hard times you've been through. Maybe you should reflect on the hurt you've put your loved ones through. I love you dad. "
That was a message I received from my son recently. He is absolutely correct too. I love him for that. Although getting back to what I once was won't be possible, I can and will make the effort to become the father he has never really had. Just a bit late.

My son, my daughter and their mother all suffered from my absence. I was not there for them. I was too busy pleasing myself to pay much attention to them. Once I started down that path, it was easier to just keep going that way and so now some 35 years later I have much to make up for. Even though I will never be able to make up for all those years, I can make the effort to try and I pray that they can forgive me.

Thanks Son

It's Depressing

Depression of the mind and spirit

 

As you may imagine depression is a common malady amongst homeless people. Even today, though I put a positive spin on my life when I speak about myself, I still suffer bouts of depression. Sure I’m comfortable with living in a camp as I do. I’m also comfortable with who I’m becoming, whatever that is going to be. I’m even glad that I no longer live, act and think like I once did. Even so, many less than desirable states of mind still arise from time to time.

            In reality, being homeless itself is depressing. It doesn’t matter how well you are doing in your journey to leave your homeless condition and mindset behind, there will always be some situation, person or thought that can bring you back down. 

            I’ve worked hard to get to where I am now. I’ve done all that I was capable of to avoid returning to the pits of despair and desperation I’d once sunken to. Then I run into the person who will profile me not for what I am but what their perception of my way of life is. Or a friend who not only is a hypocrite but hasn’t a clue regarding what I may actually be doing for myself. Friends, relatives’, even acquaintances do this all the time. Is it any wonder why some homeless people sink to alcohol or drugs even when they know what it ultimately does to them? When people they come into contact with think that the only thing a homeless person can be or do is that he will continue to fail as they have in the past.

            Truthfully, it’s happening to me right now as I write this as it has many times in the past I am becoming depressed, saddened and full of desperation. All because friends, acquaintances and even relatives won’t change their minds. Some are actually hypocrites. Some don’t see me as I am now but continue to see me as I was several years ago. Then they ask me why I still live as I do. Why have I not gotten a job or why am I still living in this camp. As if I can just snap my fingers and change everything.

            With all the hypocrisy and negative attitudes is it any wonder why I may become depressed? Ready to quit and go back to whatever it was I was doing to forget? To self-medicate. To ultimately self-destruct. All because of my friends, relatives and acquaintances who are so concerned but don’t wish to see what I really am now. It wouldn’t be difficult to go there.

If not for a few really good people in my life I would go back to what I was. Yes I am depressed today. I may be depressed, lonely, sad and desperate tomorrow too as well. I have to fight everyday not to let those friends, relatives and acquaintances drag me down. Yes I may say that everything is OK and put on a happy face, but in reality I am in a constant internal struggle with myself.

A short ramble

A couple of months ago I was contacted to write for a brand new street paper to be published here in Ft Worth. The paper's name is "The Journey". As it turns out the paper is similar in concept and goals as are street papers I've seen over the years in Chicago and Washington DC. The concept of the paper is simple, to publish news regarding homelessness and report on some of the things that are being done on an international, national, regional and local level. In addition, one of the goals of the paper is to provide a source of income for low income and homeless people by allowing them to become venders. They are very selective with who they will be allowing to be a vendor by interviewing each applicant who wishes to sell the paper.

Now from my side of the street, it turns out that they needed a local person to report on the happenings here on the streets in Ft Worth. With my unique perspective of the homeless condition and from reading this blog they decided to contact me and have asked me to write the "On the Street" section of the paper. Needless to say I was extremely honored and pleased by this development.

With that being said, this is not a paying job. In fact the only payment I really get out of all this is the satisfaction of knowing that my writing is getting more attention. That I may be actually doing something good. I probably will sell copies of the paper too. So for all of you who know me and wish to buy a copy of the paper from me just let me know and I thank you.

For those of you who may see someone selling the paper on a street corner or somewhere around town, please do buy a copy. You will be helping someone make a few dollars and possibly help them move a step closer to getting off the street.