Happy New Year

That's my prediction and I'm sticking to it. Actually I hope all my readers here have a Great New Year.

Post Xmas

I'm going to be quick here. I'm using a library computer today and have limited time available. My laptop quit for some reason and I won't be able to look at it for a while.....

Christmas was pretty interesting. I saw many people I normally do not see in the normal course of things. Some of them are people I've known for many years and in almost every case they all have sort of stagnated in their lives out here on the street.

It is sort of a shame but that is the way it is. I did contact two people I know that have gotten off the streets and into housing as well as 3 others who were in subsidized housing who for whatever reason lost it.

Myself on the other hand had the opportunity to network with others over this holiday season who in their own small ways may be able to keep me moving forward in a personal project of mine. Me. I am a work in progress and through much effort am making progress.

I hope all of you who are reading this have a Great, Safe and Prosperous New Year.

Last night was fun. With all the high winds in the area last night things could have been a lot worse in my camp. It was a blessing that there was really not that much damage and truthfully I stayed nice and comfortable all night. Then I got up this morning and found how bad it was or not....

The only real problems were the two tarps that got blown off. One tarp basically wraps the whole tent. The second tarp covers the area over and in front of the tent. I also had a dead tree that was at the edge of the living area that went down but not on top of the tent...

These first two photos are what I found when I got out this morning.

These next two photos are before shots with the tarps in place

Holdays

Over the past several months I've painted a grim picture of the sorts of homeless people I've met and who are out here. While it is all true, there are many other homeless people out here who are just as kind and caring as your best friend. I even know several myself and I hope I am to others.

Unfortunately the bad sort of homeless person is also the one who seems to get all the attention and it is true that most of the homeless are of that sort.

The ones that seem to drop off the radar are the good sort. All they / I wish to do is to get along and survive without all the drama. Just because we are not "in your face" as are many of those others we tend to be missed.

I've said this before and I will continue to say this. Get to know us. Yes you will run into many of the less than desirable people out here but if you are persistent you will eventually find one of us. We do appreciate the help. We appreciate you.

btw the photo above is the Homeless Christmas Tree located on I-30 just east of Beach street.

The holiday season is upon us. The homeless people will be getting increasingly active doing whatever they do. The lines for food, clothing and whatever else is being provided will be long...

There is a class of homeless person who you will mostly not see very often. He or she will avoid the crowds. He or she mostly stay to themselves.

For some of them it is just their way. For others it's by choice.

After a while living out here on the street you get extremely tired of dealing with all the people. Standing in line only to find out that 20 others have jumped in front of you. Going to find something only to be disappointed again. It's not the fault of the people who provide the service, it's the overwhelming number of people taking advantage of them whether they need the service, food, clothing and whatever else or not.

Even I have gotten extremely tired of dealing with all the people. I seldom try to go to Unity Park on Saturdays any longer or out on Lancaster Ave when people give out various things. It's not worth my while any longer. I see far too many homeless people getting things they don't need except just to have or maybe to sell. I'm tired of standing in lines seeing all those people in front of me or jumping in the line.

Maybe I'm sounding bitter about things during this holiday season and truthfully I'm not bitter at all. I am realistic about how it is and generally do something else for the things I need or I will just do without. It's easier to be happy and enjoy the season by not dealing with all those others than it is to get angry, frustrated and bitter.

I'm going to ramble on about some things again in this post. I seem to do some of my best postings when I do it this way.

I've painted a rather poor picture of most of the homeless people that I've met and known over the year that I've been out here. Believe it or not there are a few of us who are actually trying to move up in our lives if only we had a bit of a helping hand. That's part of the problem and the fix is not very simple either.

A few of us, myself included, are actively looking to find work or a way to support ourselves in order to leave the shelters and camps where we live. The unfortunate part of this is that you, the person who wishes to help, do not know whether we are serious or not. On more than one occasion I got the distinct impression from different people and even some case managers that I was just another homeless person who was out for whatever advantage that he or she could gain. Just like first impressions, that is a mistake on many levels.

I know you wish to help. But you also don't wish to make a mistake. Now here's where it starts getting hard. In addition to what you might normally do to help the homeless whether it's volunteering at a shelter or feeding them meals or providing clothes, how about trying to get to know one or two of us on a more personal level. Talk to us. Granted you will find many who are truly looking for the advantage I've spoken of many times. But if you are persistent eventually you may find one of us who is truly looking to move up in the world.

Once you do find this one person, if it's possible, take him or her under your wing as it were and turn that person into your own personal project or if that's not possible maybe make it a group project with some people from your church or social organisation. Help him or her find work and a place to live. But don't stop there. Keep in touch with them. Some of us will stumble along the way and with continuing long term support which could be something as simple as a phone call or short visit once in a while can go a long way toward getting someone like me off the street and back into the mainstream.

Truly that's my goal. To get off the street and into a position where I can support myself. The problem as I said is getting that help to start me going again. I've spent years fixing some of my more obvious personal problems. I've managed to work out the addictions I'd had. I, as have some others, just need some help making the next step.

Make friends with a worthy homeless person as a goal for the holidays or as a New Year resolution. Help get that person off the street and self sufficient. Then help them when they stumble. Who knows, maybe he will pay it forward and do the same for another homeless person himself.

Thanksgiving update

I just got back from the food bank after walking for 1 1/2 hours and waiting in line for 3 hours. For all of that I've got almost everything I need to do a nice Thanksgiving day meal. I plan to take some around to some of the other camps in my area because there are a few folks who just do not wish to deal with the churches and shelters for a Thanksgiving day meal. Truthfully, I don't blame them for the most part. The biggest problem with going to one of the churches or shelters or even a street mission is that there will just be too many people. While the people who put on these wonderful dinners should be applauded and congratulated for all the work that they do and the time they invest to help others on holidays like this there are just too many people to deal with.

So with that in mind I started doing a small version of  the Thanksgiving celebration for some of my neighbors who did not go out. Last year I fed 4 other camps nearby and this year it looks to be the same number of camps just different people.

Thanks to the Community Food Pantry for the food box this year and to all of the people who were involved in obtaining and distributing the food.

I hope all of you have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving holiday.

Update

Well I've been kind of busy these last few months and haven't had the time to work on any new posts so instead I'll just ramble for a few minutes here.

We've got Thanksgiving coming up and as I did last year I hope to find enough supplies to make a supper for myself and several of my neighbors. Some of the people around here just don't do the shelters or churches for meals and so when I have the extra I do share. Last year I literally cooked all day over a fire making a turkey and all the fixings. Then we had turkey stew for a couple of days afterward.

I've been pretty busy lately mostly making trips to one of the food banks every week, then I'll spend a couple of days each week collecting aluminum cans. For about 8 or 10 hours of walking over 2 or three days I'll collect enough to make around $4.00 sometimes more. On other days I do volunteer work and touch base with various people just to stay in touch and network a bit. Some day one of my network contacts will come through for me and have information on a job or housing.
I'm always on the lookout for ways to help myself get a job, get an place to live that's not a camp and just make a little money for the necessities like fuel for the stove to cook with and heat the tent, candles for heat and light, food of course plus all the other things that I don't get from food banks or other sources that are needed or useful. I can really make that $4.00 stretch!

With the holidays coming up I wish to say to all of you who read these posts that you are all appreciated and that I hope you all have a great holiday season.

Homeless Abuse

In the past I've talked about how some of the homeless people abuse the system and abuse the kindness of others. This post is about abuse of homeless people by otheres.

Homeless people are abused and taken advantage of on an almost daily basis. We've all heard about individual abuses of homeless people from time to time. Abuses that are committed for the perverse enjoyment of others or hiring a homeless person for a menial job and then not paying a reasonable wage.

Of all the abuses of the homeless that are the worst are homeless service organisations or even some Christian Ministries who are set up as non-profit organisations but in fact are really a business taking advantage of homeless people. Using the homeless people they claim they are serving as examples of the good they are doing when in fast all that they are doing is acting as something similar to an amusement park or zoo. Taking in donations and using little to actually support the homeless people they serve but giving the people making the donations the feeling that they are actually helping. For a price they take the people making the donations out to certain homeless hangouts, shelters or camps just like a visit to a zoo except the donations go mostly elsewhere.

It's entirely possible that most of these organisations did in fact start out with helping, feeding or clothing the homeless as their primary goal but later became somewhat corrupt. Where supporting the homeless became secondary to supporting the person or persons running organisation.

The Camps

If you have been a regular reader of these blog posts you have heard me talk about my camp and my situation. Truthfully my situation is not a typical homeless camp. I've had to plan on being here for a while. In other words to be patient. Getting work or finding a place to live will not happen very quickly. So I figured that it would be best if I do what I can to be as comfortable as possible.

On the other hand, the vast majority of homeless camps are not very much to look at. After the rain we got last Saturday I went around to some of my neighbors camps to see how they made out. Of the three camps I visited not a single one was able to keep completely dry. In fact two of the camps were pretty much soaked. It's not that they could not do whatever it took to keep a dry camp or a reasonably comfortable place to live as I have it's that they can't or won't do anything about their camps. That's part of the homeless mindset. While it's dry and pleasant there is no need to make an effort and when the weather or conditions change for the worse then it's too late to bother. In many cases it's all about self gratification. All money or anything of value is used for their addictions, alcohol or drugs. For others, they just don't think that far ahead. In those cases they have other issues and mostly live day to day.

Helping some of these people out may work but in all honesty, probably not. I once gave a neighbor a large tarp and latter found out that it got sold to someone else. This happens more often than you might think. I'm not trying to discourage anybody from trying to help these guys out but I am trying to give you an idea what really happens.

Colder wetter weather is on the way. Some of these guys will need help, some will try to help themselves and others will give up. It's all in the mindset.

Why am I still homeless

For those of you who are curious, I’ve been homeless off and on for about 10 years. Mostly on. Actually over those 10 years, I’ve been homeless or on the street about 8 of them.

Now to answer the question “Why am I still homeless”.

There is no simple reason for why I am still homeless. I’ve been asked that question by several people over the years. In the past my addictions and pride kept me homeless. Now it’s a different set of circumstances keeping me out here.

There is no one thing or reason unless you are a Christian and then the only reason is that He is keeping me homeless for a reason. Maybe He is not done teaching me something or because He has a something that I am to do for Him. I can’t say. The other day my brother asked me that question and the only reasonable thing that came to mind was that God does have a plan for me and that it included being homeless.

A lot of people would just say that using Him as an excuse is just a cop out. It’s not really, but then if you want to know all the other little details let’s try these excuses on for size.

1.     I’ve signed up for subsidized public housing. The problem here is that it takes a very long time before you are accepted. I know some people who have been on the waiting list for over a year and a half

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2.     Then if I am to pay my own way which for me is the preferred way to go, I need to find work. That sounds easier than it really is. I do look for work. I am listed and get postings from several job search sites on the internet as well as from the Texas Workforce Commission. I am also listed with several temporary agencies. With that being said there are problems here too.

a.       My lack of a recent job history.

b.      My criminal record. I’ve messed myself up with this one.

c.       My age. I was told by a friend at church, who works with their companies HR department, that age is a problem even though they cannot legally discriminate because of age there are many more people applying for the same job who are less qualified than I am but are much younger.

d.      What I am physically capable of doing. While am healthy I don’t have the body of a 20 year old.

e.      Transportation to and from. Public transportation is my only option here and the buses don’t go everywhere.

f.        The lack of available jobs of any sort that I can do.

g.       There are several other things of somewhat lesser importance.

3.       Another problem with being homeless is that you spend most of your time just trying to survive.

a.       I go to at least one food bank a week that takes at least one whole day per food bank.

b.      I collect aluminum cans along the highways for extra cash and that’s another day sometimes two taken up.

c.       Trips to the store, on foot because I don’t want to waste the money on the bus fare, for things I don’t get from the food banks, fuel for my stove and other necessities.  

d.      My camp is my home so there is another day sometimes two where I have to take care of it. Cleanup. Laundry. Maintenance and repairs.

e.      This time of year (fall) I have to gather the material to convert my tent from a summer shelter to something a bit warmer and more weatherproof for the winter months.

f.        Here’s one that everyone knows but fail to account for in my time equation. I walk everywhere. The places I go are not 5 minutes away by car but 1 hour on foot. On top of that there is nothing much that is less than 45 minutes away from where my camp is when I walk

So there you have it. Being homeless, at least my type of homelessness is a full time deal. I do volunteer work two days a week as well to stay busy and to network with other people. Why is it that I’m still homeless? Can’t say for sure. I do like the Christian answer but truthfully all of the above reasons are part of the equation as well. There are probably several other reasons I could list here that just don’t come to mind.

But before I end this posting let me say this to all of you who think that my being homeless is because I sit around and don’t do anything. You are mistaken. There are many other homeless people who do just sit around but I am not one of them. I am actively trying to improve my situation and to say otherwise is insulting to me. I can forgive someone who believes otherwise or thinks I could do more but until that person really understands what it takes to pick yourself up after sinking this low I won’t waste my time on them.

I don’t like being homeless. I am no longer too proud or too ashamed to talk about it. I am actively trying to change things. It does take time though. I’ve traveled a long way to get to where I am now and I have a long way yet to go. Send me an email if you have any ideas that may help me or if not I just hope that this post helps you understand my personal reason for being homeless. Keep in mind that this is the best answer to the question “why are you still homeless”. As for other homeless people you will have to ask them.

Out of Commission

Sorry for the lack of postings lately. A couple of weeks ago I fell on a slippery patch of mud going down to the creek resulting in a couple of cracked ribs and one really good bruise on my backside. The end result was that I pretty much stayed at camp while my ribs and backside healed up. Now I'm back in the saddle again more or less and playing catchup on all the things I could not take care of while I was out on commission.
First off I have to make the rounds of the food banks because I am completely out of basically everything. After that I have to get busy with getting food for the cats. They are starting to give me a look I don't like.
Then comes the part where I run around collecting aluminum cans for the cash I need for other supplies like gas for the stove, batteries, candles and other goodies. The real headache with collecting cans is that it averages out to about $0.75 per hour. It takes a fair amount of time to make enough to be worth while.
In order to live as I must I have certain things that must be done in a timely fashion and when there is down time involved then everything falls behind. I was lucky in that I had a small cushion of supplies to fall back on but even that did not last very long. So for the next couple of weeks I will be posting sporadically until I get things back up to speed. I'm writing things to post as I go but getting to a place where I can upload things is the trick so please stick with me while I catch up.

Creative meals

For some reason all the food banks have been pretty short on the donations this past month. Even between the three of us there will have to be some creative cooking to make it through the week. But for 2 or 3 days we will be doing OK.

Ben and Cindy, who have just arrived from San Francisco, don't care for the Texas heat. Even though they are both from Ft Worth, they have been away long enough that they miss California. At least the camp is shady all day and the creek is nearby to cool off in. Today though we are hanging out at the library keeping cool.

Benny and Cindy have been away from Texas for a couple of years so they want to go to "tramp day" on Lancaster Ave. Saturday to see some of their old friends. Most of the activity centers around Unity Park but there are a few other places nearby where different churches and other groups set up to give out meals, clothes and hygiene kits to the homeless people who show up. I don't normally go out there on Saturday mornings. In fact I have not gone in over a year. It's just too much of an effort dealing with the crowd sometimes.

Truthfully, I don't go out to Lancaster Ave. near the shelters much at all. Many times it's just too depressing out there and I don't really have any reason to be there. There are too many people I don't need to see anymore, too many temptations and just no good reason to be there.

Chapter 6 – Dealing with it

Many but not all homeless people out here go through the desperation phase. In fact most of the people you see in camps and around the shelters don’t. This is the way they live. The lying, cheating, stealing, alcohol, drugs and other criminal activity are simple the norm for them. For the bulk of them it’s all about the free ride. They can be given every opportunity to move up into a better situation and they will take it and ultimately turn it into something it is not. For example one person I know was placed into housing. He received an SSI check every month that he used to use mostly on alcohol. When he received housing he had to pay a nominal amount each month toward the rent and utilities while the balance was subsidized by HUD. While he may have moved out of the shelters or a camp he still kept on in his old ways and ultimately did not change anything except where he lived.

That sort of thing is typical and while most people do not have the opportunity to move out of their situation many do fail.

A few of us are working toward something better and don’t want to fall into the trap of just changing the scenery but not the situation. A few of us do work on our problems and because of the difficulty in seeing the difference between those of us who are working to fix ourselves and those who are just good actors, we tend to get lost in the shuffle.

Basically what I am trying to show is that the bulk of folks out on the street are not dealing with their real problems and are using the help and resources without showing any benefit. The few of us who really do need some of the same help and resources are lost in the crowd.

These last few years for me have shown me what’s really going on out there. I have been working on my own personal issues. I’ve made amends to many people I have wronged. I’ve change my lifestyle so that my old addictions are no longer in control. I do wish to get out of my camp and into an apartment. I do wish to go back doing some sort of meaningful work. It is a daily struggle to not fall back into the old ways because what I see around me with those who just take and take. It’s a struggle not to be like them again.

Desperation - part 2

Chapter 5 – Desperation part 2

Lets talk a little more about desperation. Some other names for it are despair, hopelessness, despondency, fear, worry and several others. All of which are unpleasant to say the least. Once again I will say “been there done that” and my situation is no different than many others out here on the street. The details are different and the way we / I handle desperation differs as well. I, as did many others, hid behind alcohol and drugs then by running away from all that we had. Other people just ran away. More still just accepted their position and addictions.

For most of us out here the easy way is the way we deal with the desperation. We don’t necessarily think about it we just look for the easy path to ignore whatever we are feeling. Alcohol and drugs are just a temporary solution that only brings back the problems at a later time. Many of the so called professional homeless have accepted the situation and don’t do anything about those feelings. In fact we will just ignore them and self-medicate as often as we can. We just maintain a level of comfort that will allow us to function as a homeless person. The lying, stealing and other symptoms are just to help us get what we want.

With some the desperation is not so obvious, maybe it’s the way we were raised, maybe their addictions keep the despair covered up. No matter who we are the problems are real and for most of us out here on the street seem insurmountable.

The Heat

Today was supposed to be a food bank day. It's just going to be too hot to even try this week. The food bank I would normally go to this week is just too far away so I will have to get creative with meals until next week.

With all that said, being on the street in this kind of heat can be a real challenge for most homeless folks.The shelters will be full of people staying in out of the heat as will the Day Resource Center. The various branches of the library will see some of the homeless show up too But not all the homeless people can or will go where it is cool and at some point even the people who are indoors will have to return back outside for a time.

Take me for example. Right now as I write this I am sitting in a branch library where it is comfortable but I will have to leave here when they close which will be at 6:00pm. It's a guarantee that the temperature then will still be in the 100's and I will have a 2 or 3 mile bike ride to camp. My only saving grace at camp is that I have a clean stream running nearby to cool off in. Even so, the temperature at camp will not cool off enough to sleep until sometime after midnight.

Yesterday I went through about a gallon of drinking water ( no not creek water ). I have to haul drinking water from a clean source about 1/2 mile away and at 7+ pounds per gallon you can imagine that I do not haul much water at any one time. Water is extremely important as you may imagine and keeping plenty on hand is a real chore.

About the only options in this kind of heat that people like me have are to find a cool spot, a shady spot if we are outdoors, plenty of water and lots of patience. Which brings to mind another problem when the heat gets like this. Peoples tempers get short. Many times behind alcohol but just the heat alone without alcohol can cause real issues among all of us who must be outdoors. There will be arguments and sometimes even fights. It will not be pretty.

Somehow many of us make it through the heat. Some will not do very well. There will be heat related physical problems. There will heat related anger issues. There will even be several people who will drink a few beers with unpleasant results. It's not fun but that's the way it is.

Desperation

Chapter 4 – Desperation

Ok so here’s what comes on the way to and after you’ve hit your (my) personal bottom. You see no reasonable way to extricate yourself from the situation you find yourself in. Truthfully there is nothing so bad that it will not pass. Unfortunately it is too easy to fall into the homeless mindset. The lying, cheating, stealing, drugs, alcohol and all the other things that will not only bring you down further but all of which will keep you down. Sure, when you get desperate you will do things that you would not normally do and truthfully, I have. The phrase “been there, done that” applies here. When desperation kicks in your mind just starts spinning and the problems, real or imagined, start to seem like they are piling up.

About the only solution is to calm down and work through each and every problem. Take a deep breath, relax, talk to a trusted friend whatever it takes to prevent the desperation from taking control.

Unfortunately most of us allow the desperation to take control. I hid behind drugs and alcohol as do many of the others out here on the street. Whatever we do it’s probably not going to work towards avoiding the desperation that always happens. Nor is it going to get us out of whatever problems we’ve gotten ourselves into.

Hitting Bottom

Chapter 3 – Hitting Bottom

Now don’t get me wrong. The people who help the homeless by providing food, shelter, clothing and other necessities are helping. They do so for all sorts of reasons. I personally say thank you to all the people who help me. But there is a down side to all this help. When a homeless person starts getting their needs met then they don’t have to worry about anything especially the REAL problems. Remember what I said in an earlier chapter about how we were homeless by choice to avoid dealing with our problems?

There is a fine line between helping in a constructive way and perpetuating the problem. Many of the case managers understand this. Unfortunately their tools and resources are limited when it comes to attacking the real problems. Other people come along with a desire to help who just help the homeless person put off their problems for another day.

Remember this, I am homeless too and while it hurt me inside, I still would do whatever it took to delay confronting my own problems. This is where talking to the homeless person you wish to help comes in. Getting to know them, asking questions and paying attention to what they say over time will give you an idea of who out there is really working to get themselves off the street or just doing whatever it takes to get what you have to offer. Just keep in mind that there will be some homeless people that for whatever reason just do not wish to talk.

For me it took several years living as a homeless person to actually hit my own personal bottom. Sure there were several times I thought I had gotten myself off the street by getting a job and a place to live. Each time I blew it and went right back to the street. I was still not dealing with my own personal issues and with each failure I would fall deeper into my own self-generated pit of despair.

The truth is that before anyone who is homeless or an addict or depressed or whatever can fix themselves they must first hit bottom. Sometimes for some people it does not seem to take much to reach that point and with some, they may never reach their personal bottom and just continue with whatever lifestyle they have chosen.

There are times when counseling can prevent the trauma of hitting your personal bottom and get you started on the road of recovery. In my case I just knew that I could do it myself and with a loud thud hit bottom. There are some out here who will hit their personal bottom and sit there. Going nowhere, doing nothing, taking what they need. They seem to have given up. The homeless mindset has kicked in and they see no way out.