.JPG)
Depression of the mind and spirit
As you may imagine depression is a
common malady amongst homeless people. Even today, though I put a positive spin
on my life when I speak about myself, I still suffer bouts of depression. Sure
I’m comfortable with living in a camp as I do. I’m also comfortable with who
I’m becoming, whatever that is going to be. I’m even glad that I no longer
live, act and think like I once did. Even so, many less than desirable states
of mind still arise from time to time.
In reality,
being homeless itself is depressing. It doesn’t matter how well you are doing
in your journey to leave your homeless condition and mindset behind, there will
always be some situation, person or thought that can bring you back down.
I’ve worked
hard to get to where I am now. I’ve done all that I was capable of to avoid
returning to the pits of despair and desperation I’d once sunken to. Then I run
into the person who will profile me not for what I am but what their perception
of my way of life is. Or a friend who not only is a hypocrite but hasn’t a clue
regarding what I may actually be doing for myself. Friends, relatives’, even
acquaintances do this all the time. Is it any wonder why some homeless people
sink to alcohol or drugs even when they know what it ultimately does to them?
When people they come into contact with think that the only thing a homeless
person can be or do is that he will continue to fail as they have in the past.
Truthfully,
it’s happening to me right now as I write this as it has many times in the past
I am becoming depressed, saddened and full of desperation. All because friends,
acquaintances and even relatives won’t change their minds. Some are actually
hypocrites. Some don’t see me as I am now but continue to see me as I was
several years ago. Then they ask me why I still live as I do. Why have I not
gotten a job or why am I still living in this camp. As if I can just snap my
fingers and change everything.
With all
the hypocrisy and negative attitudes is it any wonder why I may become
depressed? Ready to quit and go back to whatever it was I was doing to forget?
To self-medicate. To ultimately self-destruct. All because of my friends,
relatives and acquaintances who are so concerned but don’t wish to see what I
really am now. It wouldn’t be difficult to go there.
If not for a few really good people
in my life I would go back to what I was. Yes I am depressed today. I may be
depressed, lonely, sad and desperate tomorrow too as well. I have to fight
everyday not to let those friends, relatives and acquaintances drag me down.
Yes I may say that everything is OK and put on a happy face, but in reality I
am in a constant internal struggle with myself.
What I remember is an extremely smart, introverted man that has always had the ability to achieve whatever he wanted, but chose the wrong path. I hope and pray for the day you can get it all together and make it back to where you once were. I am still proud that you are my dad. Just not proud of who you became. It's easy for you to talk about all the hard times you've been through. Maybe you should reflect on the hurt you've put your loved ones through. I love you dad.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for the struggles you are going through. It is hard to move from where you were before, to where you are now, and then on to where you want to be in the future.
ReplyDeleteThe pain we cause others can color their minds for some time, it is a prison, a protection to their souls. We don't know how long some will need not to fully trust. Truthfully, that is ok. We caused, they suffered, we want to renew and prove, but we must wait until they are ready and willing.
It is also ok for you to feel deep sadness and I would think normal. Still, there are many who are watching and praying for you. There are many talking about you, wanting only good for you.
It would be easy for you to go back to however you self-medicated before, but you are so much closer to walking through this pain and living a life of hope and truth.
I am praying that is the road you stay, as painful as it is. I am praying you forgive others and yourself completely.
There are many people who have much to say, but there is only One who matters and it is our Lord. His words can be exchanged for words which others say that hurt us. I'm praying you hear His words loud and clear.
Keep walking forward, Garth. I believe in you. I know one day soon you will be free and others will know you are too.
God bless you and may your mind experience deep peace and the love He wants you to share with others.
Amen!
Delete